Varia's Adventures in Babysitting
by Biscuit15
Summary: In which Bel is supposed to be babysitting Mammon, but instead she and Fon end up babysitting him during their Arcobaleno date. Fon x Mammon, one-sided Bel x Mammon. Crack.
1. Chapter 1

"Alright, brat, we'll be home in a week or two." Squalo ruffled golden locks in an affectionate manner as he stared down at the teenager before him. "Look after Mammon and make sure you feed her and put her to bed at a reasonable hour."

"Ushishi~" Bel wrapped his arms around Squalo's middle before he buried his face against the long-haired man's chest. "Squ-Squ can count on the prince~"

Squalo pushed the younger away from him. He grunted in response; he didn't like the idea of leaving a sixteen-year-old in charge of Headquarters while everyone else was away, but he didn't have much of a choice; while Lussuria and Levi were out on their own missions, he and Xanxus were going out for – well, reasons that they refused to tell anyone else.

Most people had their suspicions as to where they were going, but when Lussuria had gushed about how cute it was that the two leaders were going on their honeymoon… Needless to say, the Sun Guardian had been in the infirmary once again due to gunshot by Xanxus.

"Just don't burn down the fucking place, brat." Turning around to leave the mansion and drive his lover – ahem, revered boss – down to the hotel they had booked out for the week and possibly the week after depending on if Squalo could walk or not again by then, Squalo ignored the way Bel stalked behind him with giggles, excited about being left alone in the mansion with only Mammon for company; he could annoy the baby all he wanted, and no one would be there to yell at him for it.

Once Squalo had gotten into his car and left the Varia grounds, Bel ran back into the mansion. He made his way up several flights of stairs and soon barged his way into the Mist's bedroom without so much as a knock; he figured that since he was a prince, he was entitled to knocking peoples' bedroom doors off their hinges.

"Mammy~" Bel leapt up onto the king-sized bed so that he could sit cross-legged and pull his favourite baby into his arms. "Mammy, the prince is hungry~ Go make him dinner~"

The Arcobaleno squirmed within the blond's hold as her mouth twisted in annoyance. "Let go of me, Bel. Go make yourself food; you're perfectly capable of doing so."

"Nu-uh." The boy threw himself down onto the mattress so that he was laying on his back. He giggled. "I'm only sixteen, Mammy; you can't expect the prince to know how to fend for himself, because everyone should be honoured to cater to him. A mere peasant like yourself will never understand the joys of having so many slaves~"

Finally freeing herself from the boy's grip, Mammon sat on the bed across from Bel. "Whatever, Bel. I don't work for free. And besides; I have someone coming over. They should be here any second now."

Be's mouth turned into a displeased sneer. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a single knife, twirling it around as he opened his mouth to respond. However, before he could speak, a voice he knew only too well sounded from the doorway.

"Why is your door off its hinges, Viper?"

Bel tossed his knife towards the source of his discontentment before he let out a whine. He grabbed Mammon's leg and pulled her back into his arms so that he could glare down at the unwelcome baby who had snuck up on them without Bel noticing. The Varia Storm complained in a childish tone, "But, Mammy, why is _he_ here? You're supposed to be the _prince's_ slave! Not _his!_ "

"I'm not your slave unless you pay me more money than you can afford." The illusionist freed herself once more so that she could jump off the bed and approach the second baby dressed in an oversized red robe. Once she was by the other's side, she turned back to Bel. "Leave us be, Bel. We're busy."

Bel rolled around on the mattress with his arms and legs in the air, greatly resembled a turtle in his childish moment. He knew the other Varia members didn't understand his playful nature, but he was a prince; he didn't _need_ for the Varia to understand him because he could do whatever he wanted. "But the prince wants to play, too~!"

"We're playing an _adult_ game, and if you can't even cook dinner for yourself, I'm afraid you're much too young to play with us."

Bel growled as he heard the other baby snicker at this. He rolled onto his side to face the two Arcobaleno and pouted. "But I am a prince. That automatically trumps everything."

"I'm afraid you're a _young_ prince, and so will not be able to join us." The baby dressed in red smirked as his black hair fell into his eyes. "Perhaps when you are older."

"What do I have to do to prove I can play?" Immensely jealous that Mammon was choosing to spend her time with the Storm Arcobaleno known as Fon, Bel wanted to kill the little martial artist here and now so that Mammon had no choice but to play with _him_ – but Fon was one of the I Prescelti Sette, and Bel didn't want to take his chances fighting one of them.

"It's quite simple," Fon said. His eyes shone with a mischievous aspect that Bel overlooked in his sudden excitement; the blond was so eager to join in, he didn't stop to think that the others would tease him. "If you sit on the bed quietly for the rest of the night and don't disturb us, _then_ you can play."

Bel nodded enthusiastically, his fingers gripping tight to his pants. "Okay~ The prince will be good at this~!"

It wasn't until Fon and Mammon had disappeared from the bedroom for several minutes did Bel realise what Fon had done; the little Arcobaleno had talked him into leaving them alone, and come the next morning, the baby would most likely be gone, having taken Mammon from him for the entire night.

"Hey!" With a shout that rivalled Squalo's own loudness, Bel leapt from Mammon's bed. He ran down the stairs as fast as he could to find where the two had wandered off to; how _dare_ they try and spend time together _without him!_ "That's not fair! Play with _me,_ Mammon! The prince is better because he's a _prince!_ "

Bels's jealousy only grew, and he was sure that by the time the night was over, he would have the entire mansion barricaded off to stop any other babies from wandering in uninvited – he would even hire several night club bouncers to guard the entrances, and if they didn't have the formal invitation sent out by the young prince himself, then…

Well, Bel wouldn't be held responsible for anyone who went missing. Entry by invite _only,_ peasants!


	2. Chapter 2

"What are you doing, Bel?" With a sigh, Mammon looked over the back of the couch, finding the Varia Storm hanging over it with a large pout on his face.

Bel whined softly before he reached out and pinched Mammon's cheek. "Mammy is supposed to be playing with the prince, but instead she's watching movies with that peasant…"

"Why can't you entertain yourself for once?" Mammon closed her eyes as she tried to keep patient with the boy; sometimes Bel could be so draining.

"A prince never entertains himself; that's what the peasants exist for." Bel pulled one of his knives from his pocket and held it against Fon's cheek. "Play with me, or you'll regret it."

"I know what we can play." Fon was unfazed by the knife at his face, as calm as ever. "You like hide-and-seek, don't you?"

"Yes!" Unable to stop the childish excitement from overflowing, Bel threw his arms up in the air as his smile resembled that of a child who had just gotten their first pony for their birthday. "It's my favourite! Can we play that?! Please~?!"

"Of course we can. You go hide, and Viper and I will look for you."

Bel bounded out of the living room with a squeal of joy; for someone who killed for entertainment, he was really just a child, one that had a habit of intentionally killing almost everything he decided he wanted to play with. However, in the rare moments like these when he wasn't trying to slaughter someone, the innocence he had somehow managed to keep for all this time really shone through.

Too bad he was most likely going to go on a murderous rampage soon enough when he found out that neither Arcobaleno intended on looking for him in the first place.

"Ushishi~ Those peasants will _never_ find me in here~" Hiding in Lussuria's closet, Bel ignored all the women's dresses that fell over him, and the high heels that poked him unforgivingly; it was a good hiding spot, because he knew Lussuria's room would only ever be entered as a last resort – no one wanted to know what the Sun Guardian did in his own time, and were quite happy to wander the mansion unscarred.

As the seconds turned to minutes, and the minutes to hours, Bel's excitement had grown to boredom, and his boredom to uncertainty; had the babies played another joke on him? Upset at the possibility of having been ignored, Bel made sure to throw a few knives at the first thing he saw, which saw a loud shattering filling the air as the vase broke. Throwing more knives at the doors he passed, he made no move to retrieve them from the wood; he just left them there for Mammon to clean up later.

Bel had intended on going back to the living room to give the babies a peace of his mind, but he instead stopped when he heard them in Mammon's bedroom. He huffed as he stepped over the door he had knocked down earlier and folded his arms against his chest in what was supposed to be an intimidating manner, but instead amplified his childish pouting.

"I waited all that time in Lussu's closet, and you peasants didn't even come to find me." Bel dropped his bottom lip and tried to make himself look more adorable than he already was – he was a prince; he was far more adorable and sexy and beautiful and _perfect_ than those _peasants_ could ever hope to be without trying, after all. However, when the two Arcobaleno didn't even acknowledge him, the boy turned and fled back down the corridor with loud crashes and bangs sounding in his wake as he destroyed everything he could find.

"Belphegor!" Mammon jumped up from the bed at this so that she could to stop her rampaging comrade; all of the money he would cost the Varia tonight was enough to make her think she was about to have a heart attack. "Belphegor, you stop that this instant! It costs money to fix and replace things!"

"Play with me, Mammon! Play with me! I _demand_ it!"

Fon just sat on Mammon's bed with a mug of hot lychee tea in his hands as he stared at what had once been an intact door. He sighed, feeling his monkey companion jump up onto his shoulder. "How do the Varia put up with him, Lichi? They must be the gods of patience if they haven't killed him themselves."

 _Crash! Bang! Smash!_

"Belphegor, you little brat!"

"Don't lecture me, stupid baby!"

"This is coming out of your paycheck!"

"You bastard! _Nooooooo!_ "

It was at that moment Fon decided he didn't want to know the complicated dynamics of the Varia's dysfunctional relationships with one another.

 _ **~~XX~~**_

Once Mammon had _finally_ stopped Bel's rampaging and somehow managed to force him to clean everything up himself, she had returned to Fon's side where they had happily sat on her bed, drinking tea and talking calmly amongst themselves.

But then… _it_ returned. And by it, she meant that demon of a kid who never seemed to leave her alone.

"What do you want, Bel?"

"If Mammy won't play with me, can I go play with some peasants instead?" Bel laid on the floor of Mammon's bedroom as he looked up at the bed; why he wasn't attempting to get onto the mattress was a mystery, but Mammon was too annoyed with him to question it.

"No, Bel. You know you're not allowed. It costs us too much to clean up when you're done."

Bel pouted, finally coming to terms with the fact that while Fon was here, Mammon wasn't going to play with him. "I'm bored…"

"Go watch TV or something."

"I don't want to." His pout grew as Bel rubbed at his eyes once he took notice of his heavy eyelids; was it really that late? Why were those babies still wide awake and he wasn't? "…"

Mammon wasn't oblivious to this action; she had known Bel for eight years now. She had watched him grow up from a little boy into the awkward – especially socially awkward – teenager he was now. She knew his moods, and she could often read him like a book, despite knowing she would never tell him that in her life. She softened her attitude towards him now, having a soft spot for Bel and Bel only. "Why don't you go to bed, Bel?"

"Not tired…" Mumbling, Bel tried to hide the evidence.

"Yes, you are. Go to sleep." Mammon mentally face-palmed when the boy jumped up and threw himself onto the bed, bouncing the babies around a little. She knew she should have been more specific with him, but damnit, Bel should have known better without her treating him like a toddler and telling him to get into his _own_ bed. "I didn't mean in _here_."

"Too bad; Mammy said I could sleep in her bed, so I am sleeping with her." The boy burrowed beneath the blankets before he fluffed up the pillows and made himself comfortable. He reached out, snatching Mammon into his arms and holding her close. Grinning, he said, "I have Mammy now; she _has_ to sleep with me."

Mammon was compliant with this, but it wasn't until Bel fell asleep a few minutes later did she remove the illusion. She wasn't stupid; she had known from the second the Storm Guardian had jumped onto the bed that he would try and trap her in his arms for the night; an illusion was better than having the rest of her date ruined, after all.

With the two Arcobaleno jumping off the bed, they left Bel to sleep. Finally, they had gotten rid of him for now.


End file.
